Well. For starters, Kim popped me a ping to see if I was still alive. Well, my dear, yes indeedy I am! I’m nowhere near planning on leaving this old grand planet yet. There are far too many bizarre things keeping me entertained.

I’ve been thinking of traveling out to California to pay my respects to Michael Jackson. I have no children who would think this is weird. Ok. I have kids and grand babies, but they know I’m their free spirited Grammy ‘Nes. I shall go where I am called to be and right now I feel great sorrow at the loss of Michael Jackson. I wanted to see him rise up and blast the doubters to hell.

I think that poor man was tortured alive his entire life and we all watched as he suffered and struggled. His father, Joe, shows no public remorse. Still trying to make money off his son, even in death. I wish I could sit with each Jackson offspring and advise them to follow their heart, and never be persuaded into doing something for money.

I’m hopeful Katherine Jackson stays strong. I’m hopeful she’ll rise up and demand respect and integrity for her genius son. I’m doubtful any of the Jackson’s truly know how compassionate many of us are towards this family. You wouldn’t know it by the news media. Or blog comments. It’s so simple and lazy to hate that which we don’t understand or want to accept.

But every person who has been put down their whole lives understood what drove Michael to be overly ambitious. The perfectionist who could never be satisfied. The need to control segments of one’s life and keep it away from everybody, and if being weird made that work, then weird it would be.

As a mother, Katherine was there for Michael. As the mother of a man the whole world knows, she is in the class of Mother Mary. I can not ever know her grief or sorrow, or her sense of responsibility to all the millions of people who loved her son.

I do wish her the support of a thousand angels and may they hold each of Michael’s children and siblings close and tight until the pain doesn’t hurt so much. I’d hold them all myself if I could.

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In an extraordinary way, I was proved wrong and set straight by some of my very best online friends.  The result is I feel much better about something that was hurting me deeply and I started a category here called “Give Peace a Chance”, as John Lennon had sung.

My friend Jim highlighted a positive story in his blog the other day, called Estonia’s “Country Clean-Up Project”.

I knew she would beat me. Rae got the #20 spot, and I achieved the #30. I’m very happy for her.

Conflict resolution is the theme my friend Miriam chose for Edit, Remove and Respond To Reviews – Tools For Conflict Resolution. From her superior article:

The advent of user reviews has tossed both business owners and citizens into a tumultuous new situation that nobody really asked for. The profits of the review entities are being made on the ability or inability of people to navigate the world of opinion and reputation on a public stage for all to see.

Through the eyes of my cherished friend, Ruud, one can’t help but feel good. His Good News Blog is worth grabbing a cup of tea and browsing when the world is sitting on your shoulders.
Give peace a chance
I enjoyed Dammit, I’m A Journalist, Not A Blogger: Time For Online Journalists To Unite? from my friend Danny, who tackled the uneasiness between journalists and bloggers by offering some suggestions. I appreciated his calm, rational approach to what is sometimes an emotionally charged issue.

It’s not that I didn’t know moms are online, but did notice an increase of women getting on Facebook from my own little country town. Internet usage by women is covered well in this article, Digital Moms Survey Part 2 – Connecting through Social Networks.

Please email me your positive news or post it in the comments below. Some days, it really helps to know there are rainbows.

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You might feel that winning a rank of 30 out of 200 top winners is nothing to get excited about.  You could even say winning a national contest conducted by a web site few have ever heard of is nothing to be get worked up about.  You can argue a contest focused on mom’s who started a business is unfair to fathers who did exactly the same thing.  Not making the top 5 isn’t a reason to brag or send press releases over.

This is what part of me is telling me because I’m not used to winning anything.  I’m also dreadful with compliments.  A “You look nice Kim” sentence is interpreted in my brain as the sound of a fingernail scraping a blackboard.  It’s a dreary rainy Monday in Spring, and I won a spot in the StartupNation’s 2009 Leading Moms In Business Competition Top 200 Winners Circle. So, what do I do? Work all day and make a big dinner so my family can all celebrate.

It may seem trivial to you, but for me, celebrating in my kitchen with my husband, kids and pets is perfect.
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Being in the 30th spot means I likely didn’t bolt out the door with my business and make a million dollars in my first year. I’m not sure what the criteria was for winning, other than blasting friends and family for votes for a few months. My story is like my peer, Rae Hoffman’s. She got to the 20th spot, and her story is filled with struggles and obstacles like mine is, if not more so. Oddly enough, our birthday’s are a day apart. Not so strange is that we share a stubborn drive to succeed and screw anyone who gets in our way. She has her code. I have mine, which is, “Never tell Kim she can’t do something.”

Choices

Many mothers who start businesses are married or have support. I had friends who believed in me. One was my first boss, who called me an “over achiever”. I worked for a company whose owner once told me, “Webmasters should only be getting $5 an hour.” I was in charge of 13 web sites, making a net income of $25,000 doing all the SEO and web design. When I asked for a raise, I was laid off and they gave the job to a man, who they paid more and knew no HTML. Welcome to bigotry against women.

I earned the respect of a client, who later became a long-time friend. He wrote this about the contest entry:

As one of Kim’s earliest clients, I can attest to her story – and still recall the time I invited her over to use my credit card to buy food for the kids. It was a worthwhile investment in an extremely creative and energetic go-getter. When our CEO refused to pay her more than $25/hour, I upped her billing hours to make up the difference – again a good move on my part, because it wasn’t long before Kim had her own clients who saw her abilities and the results of her efforts and were willing to pay her a fair rate. We hosted her startup Cr8asite forums based upon our knowledge of her skills, abilities and overall capability. Soon, the site grew to a scale which required a dedicated server. Yes, we have known Kim for years and have seen what determination, skills and good character can do for not only her and the children, but for every client who has benefitted from her efforts. Kim is certainly one of the top 200 working Moms in the country and her efforts have helped many, many people realize their own dreams.

By the time I had gone to him, I had spent every dime I had trying to support myself and the kids (when I had them.) I’ll never forget the horror of closing my daughter’s savings account, when she was 7 years old, because I needed the $50 she had in there. Today, I’m able to pay for her college and helped her buy her first car.

I also bought my own house. By that time, I had proven my worth to many people. I was earning less than my male peers, however, so when I went solo with Cre8pc.com, I vowed to never return to male corporate life. It never mattered how much I sacrificed (once I had to bring my son to work with me when he had a broken collar bone and they wouldn’t let me have off to take him for X-rays), or what my achievements were (all my usability testing is proprietary for the company I worked for and still is today), I was paid at least $5,000 less than all the other men in IT.

Success

I read the same success stories everyone else does. Sometimes I’m asked how I “Do it”. For me, the “It” is a constant creation I engage in every day. Typically I give something positive and something positive comes back to me. I love what I do too. Anyone who works with me knows how much I love usability. Everyone’s web site is a piece of who they are. When they let me in to visit, I am their guest.

What has kept me going is remembering corporate life and management that bungles things. I prefer to get things done and being my own demanding boss works well for me. As a mother in business, I never missed a Halloween party at their school, and could usually get to their after school sports activities. I was there to bring forgotten items to school. My kids rarely had sick days, but when they did, I was here and never had to beg for a day off to care for them. In the early days, most of my pay went towards full-time daycare, so the kids were loved by many people, many of whom are still in their lives to this day.

Today, now about to turn 51 years old, after almost 13 years of being “Cre8pc”, I have a nutty, busy household. As a single mom with a business, I helped raise, along with their Dad, honor roll kids and an amazingly mature college freshman daughter. My son plays on 3 baseball teams, high school football and is a champion weight lifter. I was here to support all of that, not working outside the home. I remarried in 2003. And he would never dream of slowing me down. Rather, he wants to quit his job and work with me!

Success is personal. It can’t be weighed and measured in any proper way. In my mind, I knew I could do anything I put my heart into and I’d prove all the doubters wrong.

I did that and I know it. So today, I feel good.

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I’ve come to believe that words by themselves have no meaning.  Taken one by one, alone or even grouped into paragraphs, they are blah, boring and utterly useless.  What makes them pop is the intent behind them.  I think some people are really good at reading intent.

I hate being at bars because pickup lines are pathetic tools used by men who haven’t learned the English language enough to start an intelligent conversation.  Their jokes aren’t funny.  But even if one of them actually has something of substance to say to me, their intent is SCREAMING at me.  It typically appears in the form of him staring at my boobs while he’s speaking to me.  Dead giveaway there.  One wonders why they think breasts can hear.

Another common use of meaningless conversations are parties, conferences or events I attend, where suddenly I’m worth speaking to.  Granted, the moment I leave, I’m dead to them, but as long as being seen near me or talking with me somehow boosts their credibility or ego, I’m important.  I love to get limp handshakes and weak hugs from those who really don’t like me but for some reason feel they must pretend to know I’m there.  I know they could care less that I am.

People and animals have this instinctive behavior that forces us to separate ourselves from each other into groups.  However, in the animal world, they always know where they stand.  There’s no trying to figure out if a lion is  gay, straight, married or a vegan.  His options are limited. He’s always going to be  large, lustful and hungry.   We always know what to expect with a lion.  Not so with humans.

I know when someone is really happy to see me.  Their eyes light up.  They smile. There’s no hint of  “uh oh,  she’s here” in their body language.  They don’t look at you and put their head down.  Or hunch down in a chair.  Or stick a menu in front of their face.  Or turn to the person they’re sitting next to so they look too busy to acknowledge you.  And even if they don’t do all those things and say “Hi”, it’s got the power of the 8 ball going into a  pocket along with the white ball.  You can literally feel the “SHIT” in their voice.

I think my problem is that I don’t have good self esteem, so I figure I did something wrong and don’t deserve to be spoken to or acknowledged in a group.  On those really bad self-loathing day, a kind phrase like “Have a great day” delivered with cheer can drop into my body without any fan fare or acceptance on my part.

So basically what I’m getting at is you’re all screwed and no matter what you say to me,  unless it comes with flowers, chocolate, bear hug or  expertly delivered flirt with direct eye contact, I’m never going to believe a damn thing you say.

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Because we all share this planet earth, we have to learn to live in harmony and peace with each other and with nature.  This is not just a dream, but a necessity.

The Dalai Lama

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